Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice warned Iran not to develop their nuclear weapons program. She said, ‘President Bush has a map in his office, and he will find you eventually.’
–Jay Leno

Jose Conseco has written a controversial book about steroids. And in it Conseco admits he used steroids. In the ’80s he also injected steroids into these people — Barry Bonds, Mark McGuire, Janet Reno.
–David Letterman

Saudi Arabia held an anti-terrorism conference. You know, it’s kind of like having a child protection conference at Neverland Ranch.
–Jay Leno

A lot of American companies are now moving into Iraq. Iraq now has Pizza Hut, Subway, Taco Bell and Popeyes fried chicken. Instead of oil for food we’re giving them oil in food.
–Jay Leno

Charles first met Camilla at a polo match in the early 70’s when he mistakenly tried to mount her. [...] Prince Charles is quite a catch. A guy in his 50s with no job … lives with his mom … “My prince has come!”
–Jay Leno