“A lot of people dipped their fingers in purple ink to show solidarity with the Iraqi voters. And did you see Dick Cheney? He had five fingers that were purple and then they realized that’s just from bad circulation.”
–Jay Leno

“Numerous Republican congressmen pointed ink-dipped fingers in a no-way theatrical, photo-opy show of solidarity with ordinary (Iraqi) voters. The solidarity continued after the speech when Republicans spent the rest of the evening shitting in a bucket in a powerless hut.”
–Jon Stewart, on the State of the Union Address

“Detainees at Guantanamo Bay they claim that one of the methods used to get them to talk is when a female interrogator would question them while wearing thong underwear. I believe that’s called good cop, great cop.”
–Jay Leno

“It has been reported that Dick Cheney’s lesbian daughter is writing a book about her relationship with her father. It’s called ‘Why I never got close to Dick.’”
–Conan O’Brien

“Happy Birthday to Vice President Dick Cheney who turns 64 this Sunday. Isn’t that lovely. He plans to spend the day with his loved ones, Shell and Exxon.”
–Craig Ferguson