Alberto Gonzales, nominee for the U.S. attorney general, answered some tough questions from Congress today about his role in the Iraqi prison torture scandal. But afterwards he said to make himself relax he used that old trick of imagining your audience in their underwear — with hoods over their heads being led around on a dog leash by a women. It just helps to get your mind clear.
–Jay Leno

A prominent Republican, Christine Todd Whitman, who resigned from Bush’s cabinet, has written a new book criticizing the right wing’s control over the Republican party. It’s called ‘It’s My Party Too: The Battle for the Heart of the GOP.’ See that’s the part I don’t get. Battling for the heart of the Republican Party — isn’t that like fighting for the brain of the Democratic Party?
–Jay Leno

In Cuba, Fidel Castro says that they have found a drilling site in Cuba with 100 million barrels of oil. Boy, how long before Bush says, ‘People of Cuba, we are here to free you! You will no longer live under oppression and tyranny.’
–Jay Leno

You heard about the guy in New Jersey that was arrested for pointing a laser beam at an airliner? It was so unnerving that the pilot had to pour another scotch.
–Jay Leno

McDonalds announced it’s considering a more humane way of slaughtering its animals. You know they fatten them up and then kill them. You know the same thing they do to their customers, isn’t it?
–Jay Leno

According to “In Touch” magazine Donald Trump is coming out with a line of hair products for men. Donald Trump hair products? Isn’t that a little like Keith Richards coming out with his own line of facial creams.
–Jay Leno