Congress today conducted an under cover investigation of steroids in baseball. Their conclusion — the Chicago Cubs are just months away from getting nuclear weapons.
–Craig Ferguson

The congressional committee on steroid abuse this Thursday heard the testimony of six major league players including see no evil, hear no evil, and speak no English.
–Amy Poehler

There is a 24-hour surveillance team monitoring Martha Stewart’s whereabouts. Nothing yet on al Qaeda.
–David Letterman

California’s Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger spoke out against gay marriage, then he went back to slathering oil on his muscles in front of other guys.
–Craig Ferguson

Guess who is living here in New York City and wants to be an actress? Osama bin Laden’s niece … She’s already got a part in an off-Broadway production. I believe the name of it is ‘Annie Get Your Gun Through Airport Security.’
–David Letterman

A lot of people think Michael Jackson may be suicidal. That’s the latest theory. Just last night he swallowed an entire bottle of Flintstone Chewables.
–Jay Leno

“What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and Dick Cheney? One has pasty white skin, fake body parts and he’s creepy; the other’s Michael Jackson.
–Jay Leno