“Alan Greenspan, our Fed chairman, said that Bush’s budget is such a mess that we’re going to have to either cut spending, raise taxes or start a national sales tax. You know what that means — war with Syria.”
–Bill Maher

“In Germany, President Bush this week, you know he was there, just got back. Thousands of Germans took to the streets to protest the U.S. invasion of Iraq. Let me tell you something, that’s when you know you’ve accomplished something — when Germans think you’re invading too much.”
–Jay Leno

“President Bush is home from his European adventure. … Thank god he is safe because he’s not that popular over there. To ensure his safety they had to seal off whole areas of towns, they screened everyone who got within a mile of him and, most importantly, they sewed a Canadian flag on his backpack.”
–Bill Maher

“You know what’s amazing - in the five months since Martha Stewart went to jail, her company’s stock priced has tripled. Not only that, Martha Stewart herself is now worth more than 600 million cigarettes.”
–Jay Leno

“You know what’s fascinating – you know the first person to call Martha when she was released from jail? Michael Jackson. He said he wanted to know what it’s like for a white woman in prison.”
–Jay Leno