A woman from Newmarket, near Cambridge in eastern England has tried to register 2 of her cows as voters. It’s the second time she’s done this.

Last year Brenda Gould registered “Henry and Sophie Bull” and “Jake Woofies” as voters. They later turned out to be two cows and a dog and were not allowed to ‘vote’ in the local government elections.

She made up a story for the cows to make it look like a legitimate application. She claimed her address had been split into two properties and the new residents allegedly lived in the new second part of the propertie. Those two ‘persons’ turned out to be her cows.

Brenda Gould was convicted on tuesday and was ordered to pay a $189 fine.

The council’s legal assistant, Maggie Camp said “This was the second time that Mrs. Gould had given false information on electoral forms and so, regrettably, the council felt it was necessary to take action to prevent this abuse of the election system from continuing,”

Brenda and her husband Barry later said the fake applications were a joke. They were merely irritated because they had gotten a letter from the council addressed to the occupants of their barn.

“We ignored it and then someone came around to ask why we hadn’t filled it in,” Brenda said.

Read More Here

Horrific reports are coming in of yet another shocking incident in the strife-ridden province of Aceh. Despite the peace deal reached between the Achenese rebels and the Indonesian government, it seems that this region will never be free of the barbaric practices of the Indonesian military.

It may be difficult to believe, but in an act of despicable savagery, an Indonesian soldier actually had the effrontery to kiss his Acehnese girlfriend in public!!! And unlike in the past, when the Indonesian army committed only minor misdemeanors like summary executions and torture, this time it has felt it only right to apologize for such a blatant violation of human rights.

According to the local press in Indonesia:

The incident occurred when about 2,500 troops were about to board a ship at Lhokseumawe to leave Aceh under the terms of a government peace pact with separatist rebels.

A soldier from the country’s main island of Java was kissed on the lips by his Acehnese girlfriend minutes before he was about to board.

(how can that be possible in a country like Indonesia? Good God, even in violence-ridden Iraq, such incidents are unheard of)

North Aceh military spokesman Erie Sutiko said Major General Supiadin Adisaputra apologised to Acehnese immediately after the incident.

“It was a spontaneous act committed by two lovers. The ship was about to leave the port. The soldier has been scolded by the commander,” Mr Sutiko said.

Earlier yesterday scores of students from the Indonesian Muslim Student Union picketed the governor’s office in Banda Aceh, demanding the soldier be flogged for what they termed an adulterous act.

(flogged?!!! Are they kidding? Surely such barbarity warrants the death penalty)

The students held aloft pictures of the couple’s kiss.

(I scanned the pic from the Jakarta Post. You can see it below, but be warned it’s not for the squeamish!)

But thank God all is not lost. The Indonesian government appears to have given its utmost attention to such a serious issue and put minor problems like poverty alleviation, healthcare and job creation on the backburner:

Members of parliament in the world’s most populous Muslim country have proposed an anti-pornography bill that includes a ban on kissing on the mouth in public.

Heavy kissing could carry a maximum penalty of five years in jail or a $29,000 fine. Anyone caught flashing would face similar penalties.

Right on!! In a country where a typical worker makes only around one million rupiah (US$100) per month, it would take an offender somewhere in the region of 24 years to pay off the fine.

Good. I’m glad I got that off my chest. Must dash though: I’m off to the local boarding school to find me some nice young b…

Legislators in Brussels, which is culturally nowhere near Blackpool, have stated that the New Working Directive also applies to donkeys, as well as to dancing bears and organ grinders’ monkeys.

Donkeys, the transport of choice for Joseph and Mary and later their son, Jesus, have carried pleasure-seeking children across the sands for donkey’s years, but now more so than ever since finding jobs down the coal mine are getting further and fewer between.

Mr. Charles Caroli, chairman of B.A.S.T.A.R.D. (Blackpool Association for Sandcastle Tournaments And Riding Donkeys) said, “Those loony Europeans have gone too far this time! They’ve got their heads up their asses, if you pardon the pun.”

He continued, “There are currently over 9,000 donkeys working along the Golden Mile and competition is fierce. Smaller collectives of donkeys rely on flexible working hours to survive in the ever declining market for British beach holidays. Most of these donkeys spend a lot of time “on call” and now this will have to be included as part of their working day. They only recently lost their rights to free dental care; this is just another kick in the teeth, if you pardon the pun.”

http://www.thespoof.com/news

More stories on donkey’s working rights below:

http://www.manchesteronline.co.uk

http://news.scotsman.com

The congressional committee on steroid abuse this Thursday heard the testimony of six major league players including see no evil, hear no evil, and speak no English.
–Amy Poehler

There is a 24-hour surveillance team monitoring Martha Stewart’s whereabouts. Nothing yet on al Qaeda.
–David Letterman

California’s Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger spoke out against gay marriage, then he went back to slathering oil on his muscles in front of other guys.
–Craig Ferguson

Guess who is living here in New York City and wants to be an actress? Osama bin Laden’s niece … She’s already got a part in an off-Broadway production. I believe the name of it is ‘Annie Get Your Gun Through Airport Security.’
–David Letterman

A lot of people think Michael Jackson may be suicidal. That’s the latest theory. Just last night he swallowed an entire bottle of Flintstone Chewables.
–Jay Leno

“What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and Dick Cheney? One has pasty white skin, fake body parts and he’s creepy; the other’s Michael Jackson.
–Jay Leno

“In Germany, President Bush this week, you know he was there, just got back. Thousands of Germans took to the streets to protest the U.S. invasion of Iraq. Let me tell you something, that’s when you know you’ve accomplished something — when Germans think you’re invading too much.”
–Jay Leno

“President Bush is home from his European adventure. … Thank god he is safe because he’s not that popular over there. To ensure his safety they had to seal off whole areas of towns, they screened everyone who got within a mile of him and, most importantly, they sewed a Canadian flag on his backpack.”
–Bill Maher

“You know what’s amazing – in the five months since Martha Stewart went to jail, her company’s stock priced has tripled. Not only that, Martha Stewart herself is now worth more than 600 million cigarettes.”
–Jay Leno

“You know what’s fascinating – you know the first person to call Martha when she was released from jail? Michael Jackson. He said he wanted to know what it’s like for a white woman in prison.”
–Jay Leno

“President Bush had dinner last night with the French President Jacques Chirac and in one, kind of awkward moment, President Chirac gave Bush a souvenir statue of the Eiffel Tower and Bush said ‘Oh this is great a little oil rig! I love it!’”
–Jay Leno

“The White House announced they are looking for a new chef. The candidate must be able to prepare formal dinners, serve meals to the president and make a good choo choo noise.”
–Conan O’Brien

“President Bush is in Europe. He’s going to Brussels, he’s going to Germany, and then he’s going to Amsterdam to get some primo weed.”
–David Letterman

“Amid this stuff with Jeff Gannon what is our new Attorney General Alberto Gonzales doing as his first act of office — going after the porn industry. … Apparently this is the guy who is pro-torture but anti-porn. You can put somebody on a leash and wag wieners in his face but don’t film it.”
–Bill Maher

“It’s been reported that in the event of an emergency situation with North Korea the U.S. is prepared to send 70% of the Marine Corps to the region. According to President Bush this will still allow us to send another 70% to Iran and keep our other 70% in Iraq.”
–Tina Fey

Jose Conseco has written a controversial book about steroids. And in it Conseco admits he used steroids. In the ’80s he also injected steroids into these people — Barry Bonds, Mark McGuire, Janet Reno.
–David Letterman

Saudi Arabia held an anti-terrorism conference. You know, it’s kind of like having a child protection conference at Neverland Ranch.
–Jay Leno

A lot of American companies are now moving into Iraq. Iraq now has Pizza Hut, Subway, Taco Bell and Popeyes fried chicken. Instead of oil for food we’re giving them oil in food.
–Jay Leno

Charles first met Camilla at a polo match in the early 70’s when he mistakenly tried to mount her. [...] Prince Charles is quite a catch. A guy in his 50s with no job … lives with his mom … “My prince has come!”
–Jay Leno

“Numerous Republican congressmen pointed ink-dipped fingers in a no-way theatrical, photo-opy show of solidarity with ordinary (Iraqi) voters. The solidarity continued after the speech when Republicans spent the rest of the evening shitting in a bucket in a powerless hut.”
–Jon Stewart, on the State of the Union Address

“Detainees at Guantanamo Bay they claim that one of the methods used to get them to talk is when a female interrogator would question them while wearing thong underwear. I believe that’s called good cop, great cop.”
–Jay Leno

“It has been reported that Dick Cheney’s lesbian daughter is writing a book about her relationship with her father. It’s called ‘Why I never got close to Dick.’”
–Conan O’Brien

“Happy Birthday to Vice President Dick Cheney who turns 64 this Sunday. Isn’t that lovely. He plans to spend the day with his loved ones, Shell and Exxon.”
–Craig Ferguson